


The Bad Touch

by Richard_Hendicks



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Animal Play, Established Relationship, Lactation Kink, M/M, Pregnancy Kink, Roleplay, kind of??, lap dance, this is weird ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 17:35:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14454345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Richard_Hendicks/pseuds/Richard_Hendicks
Summary: You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel





	The Bad Touch

**Author's Note:**

> If you are reading this fic for legitimate scientific information, you will only be a little bit disappointed.
> 
> Basically, this is a weird little sexy roleplay between two very big nerds where they pretend to be animals fucking. Are they birds? Are they mammals? Are they reptiles? Unclear. 
> 
> Please note there is no ACTUAL mpreg or male lactation in this fic, just roleplay. 
> 
> Thanks to anactorialtalksback for beta-ing, and to all my tumblr followers who motivated me to actually write this

In most bird species, it is the male of the species that seduces the female. He charms her with his beauty, his strength as a provider, the many shiny objects he is able to find. This paradigm holds up across most of the animal kingdom, in the mating patterns of amphibians, reptiles, and even mammals. Humans, in fact, are fairly unique in the fact that the female is the one who dresses up, preens, seduces.

None of that really matters in this case, because Jared and Richard are both males. 

Richard and Jared pondered this issue for a long while, and the solution they came up with was simple: since animals have no concept of gender, and since Richard intended to be the receptive party for the purposes of this roleplay, Richard will be playing the part of the female. Which means he does not have to wear anything special, because he’s not the one doing the seducing. 

And he is, in fact, wearing nothing special on this Saturday evening. He sits on the couch in front of the television, wearing sweatpants and an olive green t-shirt. He isn’t really watching the television, per se: he’s scrolling through Netflix and bouncing his left leg nervously. He is a ewe in estrous, grazing in a field, waiting for a virile ram to approach.

Jared, on the other hand, is wearing something special. Something so special, in fact, that Richard gasps when Jared enters the living room from the bathroom.

“Jared,” he manages, and that’s all he can say, because Jared is wearing a pair of black leggings, a rhinestone necklace, and nothing else. His eyes are made up elaborately, with greens and blues and a sweep of dark black eyeliner. 

Jared stalks (stalks!) over to Richard. He takes the remote from Richard’s hand and turns the tv off. He leans over Richard and whispers in his ear:

“May I dance for you?” 

Richard’s mouth is dry. He nods helplessly. Jared saunters away toward the stereo. Richard closes his eyes, breathes deeply. Selena Gomez’s “Good For You” drifts from the speakers. Richard feels Jared’s hands on his chin. He opens his eyes.

“You have to watch,” Jared purrs. He rotates his hips in time to the music, biting his lips. It’s unbearably erotic and outrageously silly. Richard giggles.

“Don’t laugh,” Jared chides. But he’s smiling too. 

“Ok, ok. Can I touch you?” 

“Yes please.”

Richard places his hands on Jared’s hips, feeling his body heat through the tights. He moves his hands up Jared’s chest, running his thumbs over Jared’s nipples. Jared breathes in sharply, but keeps dancing. 

“Can I, um, can you dance in my lap?” Richard asks. Jared smiles at him. He turns around, still dancing, and sits in Richard’s lap. Richard grabs Jared’s hips as Jared grinds back into him. 

“Fuck,” is all Richard can say. 

They dance like that for a while, Jared arching his back and reaching around to cradle Richard’s head, Richard grinding his growing erection up into Jared’s pert ass. Eventually, Jared speaks, breaking the spell.

“So, gorgeous, am I a suitable mate?”

“Oh yeah,” Richard responds. “Very, Uh, very strong and sexy. I know you’re going to be able to- oh fuck- provide for me in the winter months.”

A smile spreads across Jared’s face that can only be described as wolfish. He turns in Richard’s lap, straddling his thighs, and pushes him back against the couch.

“Good,” he growls, “because I want you.” 

Richard giggles at the absurdity of it all before Jared swoops down and captures his mouth in a searing kiss. 

“I, Uh, I like the necklace,” Richard chokes out between kisses, “It’s very shiny.”

“Mm,” Jared hums, “I wore it to impress you.”

“Well it- oh God- it worked,” Richard pants. “Do you want to, uh, have you claimed a territory?”

“I have,” Jared tells him, placing a final kiss on Richard’s neck. “Would you like me to show you?”

Richard nods. Jared gets off of Richard’s lap, turns off the speaker, and leads him by the hand to their bedroom. Or rather, his nest. Once in the bedroom (nest), Richard shucks off his shirt and pants as quickly as he can, and arranges himself on the bed. 

Lordosis behavior refers to the reflexive body position many mammalian species exhibit to communicate receptivity to copulation. It is also known as presenting. It is this position that Richard assumes on the bed, back arched and pelvis tilted, displaying his backside. If Richard had a vulva, he would be displaying his engorged genitals for Jared to penetrate. However, Richard’s genitals, while certainly engorged, are, by nature, more or less impenetrable, so instead he presents his already lube-slicked anus. 

Jared seems to find this satisfactory.

“Look at you,” he purrs, “you look incredible.” He climbs onto the bed and crawls toward Richard. He grabs Richard’s ass cheeks, kneading them apart. Richard whimpers. “And you smell even better.” 

Jared’s hand on him feels protective, reverent, but also primal, territorial. Richard feels wanted in a way he never has before, even with Jared.

“Breed me,” Richard moans. 

“Anything for my mate,” Jared responds. He gently places two fingers into Richard, sliding them in and out.

“Jared,” Richard whines, “that’s not how, they don’t-“

“I know, but I like to be careful.” He crooks his fingers just so, causing Richard to gasp. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to cause trauma to your genital tract.”

“Fine, fine, just- oh! Just mount me. Soon.”

“Yes love,” Jared places one hand on Richard ass, and uses the other to guide his cock to Richard’s entrance. Richard moans low as Jared pushes in.

“You smell so fecund, so ripe,” Jared pants, as he slowly bottoms out. “Never had a- a doe as good as you before.”

“All for you, baby,” Richard says, which doesn’t really make sense as a response, but he doesn’t have long to worry about it, because Jared has begun to thrust in earnest. Richard keens.

“I’m gonna fill you with my seed, over and over, until you conceive. Would you like that, baby?” Which may be the dirtiest thing Jared has ever said to him, but this is what he wanted, what he asked for, and he’s loving every moment of it. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he chants, rocking forward with each one of Jared’s thrusts, “Put a, put a fucking baby in me, put a whole litter in me.”

“Oh, I will, I’ll, oh God, so many little cubs, running around, perfect little replicas of my beautiful mate.” Jared moans loudly. He reaches forward and rubs his fingers against Richard’s nipple. “Oh, your breasts are going to get so full. I can’t wait to see that, so full for our cubs.”

“Oh, yeah, so full for you.” Richard babbles. He’s not really sure what he’s saying anymore. It’s like Jared’s cock against his prostate has turned off the cognitive centers of his brain, leaving the speech centers to fend for themselves. “Just us and our fledglings in our, our little nest. I want you to build me a fucking nest.” 

(This may seem contradictory in the context of lactation, but many mammalian species build nests, including squirrels, voles, and gorillas.)

“Oh Richard, darling, I’ll make you the most beautiful nest, I’ll decorate it with the flashiest baubles I can find, oh, every other bird will envy you.” (So maybe the science is just wrong here. Hey, it’s a sex fantasy). 

Jared is close, but he isn’t going to breed his beautiful mate until his beautiful mate finishes. He moves his hand down to Richard’s cock, eliciting what can only be described as a squeak from Richard. 

“Come on love,” he coos, stroking gently, “come for me.” 

Richard lets his head drop as he moans, loud and low. Only a few more pumps from Jared, and Richard is coming. Richard goes limp, and tries to fall to the bed, but Jared catches him.

“Stay in position for me, baby,” he says, encouragingly. “I still have to inseminate you.”

“Mmm,” Richard murmurs. “Do it. Fill me up, Jared. Need you. Love you.”

And that’s enough to push Jared over the edge. He comes hard with a shout, then slumps over Richard. Richard can feel Jared’s cum warm inside him. He can almost imagine the sperm making their way toward his uterus, combining with his eggs to create life. 

Jared gingerly pulls out, and then manhandles Richard onto his side so they’re spooning. Richard groans, and arches his back into Jared. 

“You know,” Jared breathes, running his fingers across Richard’s chest, “the other males are going to smell you.”

“Hmm?” 

“They’re going to- to- oh Richard, you must know, you must know how delicious you smell, like, like, like a bitch in heat,” Jared whispers. Richard moans in agreement. “They’re going to come sniffing around, trying to claim you, trying to breed you. They’ll want to fuck you, fill you, pull out my seed with the head of their cocks.”

Richard moans again, louder this time. “Are you going to let them?” he asks, teasingly.

“Never,” Jared responds, pulling Richard closer to his chest. “I’ll fight them off. I’d do anything to protect you and our nest, our- our,-” he rests his hand on Richard’s stomach, “our fledgling.”

“Oh Jared,” Richard says, reaching back to pull Jared in for a kiss. 

In the animal kingdom, monogamous breeding pairs are not unheard of: French angelfish, black vultures, and red-backed salamanders all mate for life. Eurasian beavers are known to form monogamous pairs, but their American cousins are far more promiscuous. All in all, monogamy is rare amongst animals, and even rarer amongst primates, with gibbons and Azara’s night monkeys being notable exceptions. Anthropologists are still unsure if early humans were monogamous. Many scientists believe that human monogamy is not a biological urge, but rather a social adaptation for the purposes of child-rearing. 

That being said, with Jared’s chest pressed firmly against his back, Richard can’t imagine ever doing this with anyone else again. And Jared, with Richard clutches tightly to his chest, feels exactly the same way.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for NOTHING


End file.
